Category ROTWU

Nordic Bakery

I bet you thought I was quitting didn’t you? I bet you thought: “That Charlie Del Monte, yes he’s brainy and dead clever and has an ass that simply refuses to quit, but now he’s started being a dad, his amazing blog that basically saved the internet is all but finished.” First off, stop objectifying […]

The British Broad, Abroad

[As if to underline quick how slack I’ve been at blogging of late, as if to prefigure a 2015 of failure, Knockers gets in there right quick and blogs like it cool. This doesn’t mean that she’s better than me. Rather, this alone doesn’t mean that she’s better than me.] A few years ago, Uncle […]

2014 Year in Review

2014 has been a mixed year for Charlie. On the downside Rik Mayall died and The Colbert Report came to an end, which are both major bummers. On the upside I’ve eaten a lot of delicious food and was featured in the Evening Standard and a few other online venues for generally being awesome. I’ve […]

De Hems Dutch Cafe Bar

Like German food and my love-making, Dutch food can be really rather good if unheralded. If I concentrate and try to recall lyrics from Michael Bublé songs I can keep going for virtually minutes. Bitterballen are the quintessential Dutch food: Deep fried, cheesy and moreish. Only partly like my love-making. They also do unconvincing hot […]

Cry Me A Rivington

The problem with the Rivington Grill (http://www.rivingtongrill.co.uk/) (or RG as I call it) is the location. It’s mired in the stinking East End besieged by fleets of hipster douches with their Amish beards and artisan skateboards but far too edgy to actually go inside. No they’d prefer to suck on organic quinoa from the back […]

Florida in the Storm

And so to Florida for work, lovingly known as the California of the East, specifically Orlando. And hopefully not again for sometime. Orlando is as charmless as your mum’s boyfriend and 8% more joyless than wartime Warsaw. Orlando is what happens when you have excess of land and no imagination. Mile after mile of chain […]

Alba Grill

It’s not all the Ritz and Carluccios for Charlie you know. In order to complete this quest I sometimes have to go south of the river, the East End, and North London. These are the terms of my quest by which I must abide, but hopefully I’ll never have to go to Croydon or Watford. […]

Sami’s

In restaurants where you are served chicken wings there should be an emergency button or protocol in place whereby you can alert staff to a Broken Arrow situation and the staff trigger a balloon drop of 1,000 napkins. Also places that serve lobster or gambas. Anyone who has witnessed Mrs Del Monte chow down on […]

Gay Paris

What people don’t know about the French is that they’re almost as perverted and degenerate as the Germans. (Can you guess who rank below even the Germans? Eskimos. Their nipples are always, always hard. Dirty fiends.) French glamour is tinged with depravity and the knowledge that they are 99% sure to be up for that […]

St. Moritz

Everyone agrees that I’m pretty manly. I’m like Ernest Hemingway in a lumberjack shirt bounding across dales with a machete, chewing tobacco, conversing authoritatively about cricket and seducing women (with my eyes – there’s no physical intimacy, I remain resolutely loyal to Mrs Del Monte. But there’s no helping the dozens of females upon whom […]