Category Knockers

All Shikumen Up

[Once again, I’ve outsourced a blog to Knockers. She’s like my own private Bangalore. Which might explain the terrific bangers. That’s a word used by Gok Wan. I don’t normally use Gok Wan as a cultural touchstone, but fatherhood and onanism have changed me.] As we all know, the first rule of Epicureanism is that […]

The Leaky Cauldron

[Normally when I’m quiet, Knockers pipes up and and it’s a real job shutting her up again. However, you may have noticed that she’s been quiet too of late. You didn’t say anything, which is a bit rude, but whatever. Turns out she’s not been slacking off. Not like I have been slacking off. Turns […]

Yorkshire Terror

[How unfortunate that the people Knockers is writing about are so famously illiterate. Perhaps anyone from the home counties travelling up North – presumably to survey potential fracking sites – might charitably read it out for them.] I’d never pick a fight with a Yorkshireman. Or a Yorkshirewoman. Or a Yorkshire Terrier, for that matter. […]

Immature Cheddar

[I’ve been to Cheddar Gorge. I mean, I’ve contracted Cheddar Gorge, but a course of penicillin, (accompanied by a stern admonishment from my doctor), cleared it up. Honestly Dr Hammerstein, I was simply walking my dog on Clapham Common. Rex. That’s his name. The dog’s name I mean.] When you read The Figmentation of Timothy […]

Andover Arms. And legs.

[For those of you having difficulty remembering whose blog this is, it’s mine. Charlie Del Monte’s. No one else’s. You may be forgiven for confusing this with Knocker’s blog (google it), but not by me. Not now, not never. I will end you. But as it happens, Knockers has been a little more prolific than […]

Smoke Gets In My Mouth

[Gosh Darn it, you can’t keep a good man down. I’m morally dubious (according to multiple primary school report cards) so it is laughably easy to keep me down. This means that at the moment the quest for new restaurants from different nations is achingly slow. Like my love-making. Hopefully this fact doesn’t mean you wander […]

El Fenix

[Knockers hijacks the blog again as she goes to more exotic locations on a more regular basis than me. Life=Unfair. Charlie=A Dish. Time=Money. Money=Power. Time=Power. Rolex=Overlord.] A few years ago, someone who mistook my verbal-diarrhoea for extroversion asked, nay instructed me to address a conference of over six hundred (self) important people at a FTSE […]


[Knockers picks up the baton once again as I really slack off. She filled in before covering Umami. And now Inamo. Basically if the restaurant name is vowel-consonant-vowel-consonant-vowel, she’ll eat there. She ate in Wasabi once when my top-hat obscured the W. When she found out she was properly angry. Now she knows how the […]

Burgering It Up

[I have not travelled to L.A., no Vishnu has not smiled on me. However, my collaborator Knockers is there right now and has visited a favourite haunt of ours. So over to her. But remember who the daddy is. I’m not above murder.] When I’m on Death Row for dissolving Barry Scott in a vat […]