I thumb my nose at you, People’s Republic of China. You don’t scare me. Even when you inevitably become our tyrannical overlords and every British school child is forced to use chopsticks, I shall resist. I recognise you Republic of China along with the brave nations of Nauru, Kiribati, Belize and 18 other countries. You don’t scare me People’s Republic of China. However, when you do install your puppet regime and seek sadistic retribution for my defiance, you should know that Charlie Del Monte is a pseudonym and my real name is Jeremy Clarkson or Richard Hammond or any other of the fatuous gascons off Top Gear.

I took the brave political step to visit the charming Taiwan Village (http://www.taiwanvillage.com/) off the idyllic North End Road in Fulham for a supper with my concubine. It feels like a bit of a squeeze in there as it is quite narrow and has massive wood carvings lurching at you from every direction, but it is inviting with efficient staff to help out. The menu offers traditional Chinese dishes and then two pages of Taiwan Special Dishes, with such appetising names such as Three Cup Chicken (which reminds me of 2 girls 1 cup so I wasn’t going anywhere near that), Ma-la Spicy Frog Leg and Stir-fried Chilli Duck Tongue (also my video response to 2 girls 1 cup). I plumped for the General Tso’s Chicken. I’m a sucker for marshal titles. I ate Captain Birdseye products exclusively until I was 15 and found out that he wasn’t real. Very garlicy, I opted to have this with garlic rice (an unnervingly brilliant notion) to ratchet up the garlic levels to irresponsible levels. My concubine enjoyed the crispy, shredded duck over chicken fried rice, which was a bit sweet, but nice enough.

The best thing, aside from the industrial intake of garlic, was the starters. Actual proper genuine fried seaweed, not the rubbish, sweetened cabbage you get from other Chinese restaurants, and excellent spare ribs, all washed down with a tall, cool Tsing Tao beer. There are plenty of Taiwanese beers, so I don’t know why one of these wouldn’t be on offer. However, there was an intriguing Taiwanese “Winter Melon Tea” which I shall try next time. £47 for two people and no waiting. I’d go back. Take that mainland China!

臺灣 or 台灣!

Actual, proper seaweed. Good stuff. Though it does look unappetising.

Excellent meaty beef ribs, with gooey marrow to suck out of the bones if that’s your thing.

General Tso’s Chicken. I presume he wasn’t hungry.

Blurry, shredded, crispy duck.

My concubine draws suspicious looks. Don’t worry baldy, she only lashes out at bearded, bespectacled beefcakes.

The barriers are up to keep back People’s Republic of China protesters.

Le menu.

More le menu.

A nice spiel about the restaurant. My concubine appreciates this sort of reading material when I’ve embarked on one of my fascinating pontifications. This time it was about the betrayal of Captain Birdseye and his double life as a Captain Iglo (in France), Käpt’n Iglo (in Germany) or Capitan Findus (in Spain). Well quadruple life. I feel like the victim of a bigamist. No wonder he didn’t reply to any of my letters.

Taiwan Village
85 Lillie Road,
London,
SW6 1UD
Tel: 020 7381 2900
http://www.taiwanvillage.com/