Burgering It Up

[I have not travelled to L.A., no Vishnu has not smiled on me. However, my collaborator Knockers is there right now and has visited a favourite haunt of ours. So over to her. But remember who the daddy is. I’m not above murder.]

When I’m on Death Row for dissolving Barry Scott in a vat of Cillit Bang, the time will come when I’m asked to choose my last supper. I already know my answer: “Nothing, thank you.” I mean honestly, who can actually eat with their execution imminent? However, on the days when Mr Liebermann feels optimistic about our latest appeal for clemency, I might take time out from my chin-ups and PHD to get stuck into some tucker. And that tucker, my friend’s friends, will be Umami Burger (http://www.umami.com).

Despite his facial hair, Del Monte makes some excellent food-based observations; often revisiting them hours later in a game he calls ‘Beard Roulette’. Recently, he lamented the restaurant industry’s ubiquitous claim to offer the world’s best burger, with which I agree. There was only one man who had the credentials to verify that claim, and he died when his cat jumped out of a thigh-crease and startled the crane driver winching him to hospital. So I won’t claim that Umami Burger is the best burger in the world, I will simply say this: it’s the best meat I’ve ever put in my mouth.

There’s more than one loco (that’s Four Tops for location) but my Umami-of-choice is on North Cahuenga Boulevard tucked behind a Jack in Box, which provides the novel experience of passing the Gates of Hell on the way to Burger Heaven. And many Los Angelites agree. If your face is botox-free enough to stretch round a burger, then you’ve probably gnawed on something unctuous, infused with Umami Master Sauce. I went for The Original and a side of salty fries, washed down with a tall, cool Redhook Longhammer. $17.99 with free WIFI and the omnipresent promise of headshots-on-demand.

CIELO!

Branding.

Branding.

If he was dining with me, that bloke’d be eating his phone for lunch.

If he was dining with me, that bloke’d be eating his phone for lunch.

They also sell lips.

They also sell lips.

I call it ‘Space Fifteen 20’ to wind them up.

I call it ‘Space Fifteen 20’ to wind them up.

Meat-less? Pointless.

Meat-less? Pointless.

Umami Burger
1520 North Cahuenga Boulevard
Los Angeles
California
90028
Tel: +1 323 469 3100
http://www.umami.com

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