The Outrage

As my team of urologists constantly remind me: Haters gawn hate. It’s true. We really do gawn hate. Those who know me well, know that I have boundless capacity for grudge bearing and gripe needling. Don’t believe me? I’m still hacked off that Opal Fruits are now Starburst and Marathons are Snickers. I refuse to eat Special K now it’s a bigger flake (check the facts people). And don’t get me started on the withdrawal of Quatro from the UK market:

So it should come as no surprise that my 6-speed, turbo-charged, rage machine should kick into high gear when food is sneaked into other food I’m eating. Without my permission. The main two culprits are smoothies and sandwiches. I depise bananas and all they stand for. There’s no daylight between me and KiTzz McButtsex on this topic:

A short survey of the ever reliable internet reveals the following:

  • Innocent Mango And Passion Fruit Smoothie contains 1 Mashed Banana

http://www.tesco.com/groceries/Product/Details/?id=270928025

  • Pret Mango Smoothie: contains Squished Bananas

http://www.pret.com/menu/cold_drinks/mango_smoothie_PUK1110.shtm

  • Naked Mango Machine Smoothie contains Banana Puree

http://www.tesco.com/groceries/Product/Details/?id=274530143

  • Tesco Finest Mango Fair Trade Smoothie contains Banana Purée (27%)

http://www.tesco.com/groceries/Product/Details/?id=274373357

OK. This has actually made me more suspcious of mango than it has smoothies. What has mango got to hide?

English mustard is frequently snuck … sneaked … snookied (?) into sandwiches unadvertised and that gets me kind of mad. Though the outrage is petering out a bit now, I’ll be honest. Dr Kellerman said I should focus on the time I found my penknife when I was 11. He says that reliving that instant of elation is a good way to forget about the minor everyday niggles that stoke my temper and cause me to lash out and hit that nun carrying the basket of kittens, then all 9 of the kittens in their poor defenseless faces.

AND ANOTHER THING

I discovered yesterday that the Service Charges (which I have so effectively railed against here: Service Charges. 34 page views – you do the math/maths) are withheld from the waiting staff. The 12.5% bloodmoney restaurants often shylock out of you, it turns out that this doesn’t always go to the waiting staff. The restaurant is able to withhold this money and those grasping reprobrates don’t distribute it to the waiters and waitresses I so obstreperously abuse. As nearly always, an actual “journalist” has beat me to the story. 5 years ago. Unless I backdate to this story to … 2007! In your face Alice Lascelles!

http://www.timeout.com/london/restaurants/service-charge-scandal-to-tip-or-not-to-tip

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